Bad Things Happen to Mimes who Talk
by Pink Raccoon
Summary: I wrote this fic based on an afternoon with my friend, and kind of twisted it. It curses, but not too much. The gundam boys leave for a fun filled day of childhood memories and angry old women in Santa Monica.


**Bad things happen to mimes who talk**  
  
By Ashley Benjamin  
  
"We're going to be laaaate!! Quatre! Hurry it up!!!" Duo whined, jumping up and down by their green van.  
  
"We can't be late, Duo. All that we're doing is walking around Santa Monica. You know…with all those shops and mimes lined up in row…" Explained Trowa, getting into the back seat and trailing off.  
  
"Mimes?" Repeated Wufei, crossing his arms and leaning against the side of the van. Trowa wasn't listening anymore…Mumbles just emitted from the van.  
  
Heero was currently sitting in the driver's seat , glaring at the road like it would make them move.  
  
"I'm sorry, everyone!!" Called Quatre, dragging a large bag from the front door. Duo's eyes widened as Heero and Wufei looked with disbelief.  
  
"What are you doing?" Said Wufei, hardly moving his mouth. Quatre had managed to get it to the open trunk, but he was having problems lifting it.  
  
"I need a few things…Mountain Spring water, plush towels, snack sandwiches, blankets…" Said Quatre, giving it a few more pushes.  
  
Wufei walked up in front of him and took the bag, throwing it onto the street as a nun bus with a tattered cage in front took it out. (Other Taco Bell fic I wrote)  
  
"EEP!" Squeaked Quatre, looking at Wufei and whining.  
  
"Don't be a WOMAN!" He shouted suddenly, making Quatre jump. But what was more surprising was that Wufei lifted Quatre over his shoulder and tossed him in the van. He landed out-sprawled across Trowa's lap. It knocked Trowa out of his mumbling and he made Quatre sit up and helped him with his seat belt.  
  
"Road TRIP!!" Yelled Duo, jumping into the middle seat and reclining. Wufei twitched as he sat beside Heero.  
  
*********  
  
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!!? ARE WE THERE-" Duo was cut off by Wufei turning and bashing him as Trowa gave him a smack from behind.  
  
"Stop saying that!!" Snapped Wufei. Duo checked to see if all of his teeth were there and then started bouncing in his seat.  
  
"When will we get there? When will we get there? When WILL WE GET THERE!!!? WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN!!!" Duo rolled into the door as Heero made a sharp turn.  
  
"Crazy nun bus!!" He yelled, shaking his fist at the speeding blur of holiness. They now had a cage, a bag, in which had opened and towels and blankets were spurting all over the front of the vehicle, and an old lady in a wheelchair waving her arms.  
  
A sudden burst of lightning hit Heero.  
  
"YOU pi*sed off God!!! Weakling!!!" Yelled Wufei pointing a finger at Heero.  
  
Heero shook off the crispness and continued driving.  
  
  
  
  
  
"OUT OF STATE LISCENCE-PLATE!!!" Yelled Duo for the 53rd time, back- handing Quatre. Quatre yelped once again and curled into and even smaller quivering ball by the side of the door.  
  
"Dam*it!! Go back to your own state!!" Yelled Trowa at the car that was the cause of Quatre's pain.  
  
Heero turned on the radio, as Duo hushed in his bawling laughter.  
  
"Is there something MISSING in your life?" Said the commercial- speaker-man. "Do you FEEL like you are a worthless piece of CR*P during the day? Well…My beautiful friends…YOU NEED BETTO-BUTTER!!!"  
  
The pilots jumped at the harshness of sound in the little van.  
  
"Baka!" Yelled Heero, changing the station. N*SYNC came on. There was a slight pause left for them to scream before Heero changed it again.  
  
He stopped it on a No Doubt song. Duo's eyes widened.  
  
"Don't SPEAK!!!" He yelled out, thrusting his arms in all directions as he sang along with the words. Quatre screamed as he was back handed again.  
  
"I KNOW JUST WHAT YOUR THINKING, SO PLEASE STOP EXPLAINING!!!!!"  
  
Heero quickly turned off the radio. It took a moment for Duo to realize it was off.  
  
A Mississippi plate sped by and Quatre squeaked. But Duo didn't see it.  
  
A breath of relief was short-lived as Wufei did.  
  
***********  
  
"We're HERE!!" Yelled Duo, jumping out of the van and aweing at a crowded street, lined with shops. And sure enough, there was a mime in center square. Heero was the last to get out, and they all stood in a row.  
  
Trowa glared at the mime as he began to make his way towards it. The mime ceased in his smiles and met Trowa's eyes.  
  
Trowa's flashback: Little Trowa is walking down the street, when a mime with balloons stops him. Little Trowa's eyes brighten. He hadn't seen happy things since his parents died, and he had been sent to get some bread and milk with $7.00 by the camp he was at. The mime gives Little Trowa his balloons to hold while he pretends to get stuck in a falling elevator. Little Trowa giggles and holds out his arms for a hug as he finishes. The mime looks down and smiles, signaling that he wants five dollars.  
  
Little Trowa blinks and looks down at the cash hanging out of his little pocket. The mime snatched back his balloons and took the money. He then pushed Trowa down and he skidded his knees and elbows.  
  
Trowa lies in the street crying until a man from the camp comes up and finds out he doesn't have the money. He was beaten that night more than the others.  
  
Trowa blinks back and sniffles at the mime. The mime pretends to be a tiger as all the surrounding kids laugh. Trowa breaks off into a run as the people clear the way.  
  
"DIE YOU SILENT B*STARD!!!" Yells Trowa, falling into a tackle with the mime.  
  
"What the HE*L!?!" Yelled the mime in his struggle with Trowa. The kids started crying and an old woman came up to Trowa and bopped him on the head with her purse.  
  
  
  
A shoe shining cart was the first thing Duo noticed. He rushed away towards it, his Vans silent on the cement.  
  
He jumped into a high chair as a large and muscular African-American man with a towel over his shoulder raised a brow at him.  
  
"Make my shoes SHINAY!!" Yelled Duo with glee.  
  
"Look boy, your shoe can't be shined. They have to be these kind of shoes." Said the man, holding up his leather Loafers. Duo pouted.  
  
"YOU just don't want to make my shoes PRETTY!!!" Whined Duo, hopping up and down in his seat.  
  
"I think you should just come down." Sighed the man.  
  
"RACIST!!!" Screamed Duo as everyone looked up. "YOU WON'T SHINE MY SHOES BECAUSE I'M BLACK!!!!"  
  
"First of all!!" Said the man quietly, trying to divert some eyes. "You are white. And I could care less if you were green with purple hair, but your shoes ain't shinable. NOW GET DOWN YOU FRICKIN' RETARD!!!"  
  
10 women with purses came up and started beating the man. Duo 'hmphed' and jumped down uttering "racist!"  
  
  
  
Quatre had just started walking and peering into stores. When he found one he was stopped by an old Mexican woman. One of her eyes looked like it had been scarred and she sat crouched and covered with old rags. She had a metal cup that she jingled at Quatre.  
  
"Spare change…?" She uttered. Quatre looked down with sympathetic eyes.  
  
"No…I'm sorry. All I have is credit cards. My money was in a bag that was destroyed by a speeding nun bus."  
  
"Everyone says that, YOU CHEAP B*STARD!!" She all of a sudden snapped, throwing an orange that was buried beneath one of her coats at his head. Quatre began to try to crawl away, crippled by a barrage of oranges. He crawled into a basketball juggling show as he was stepped on.  
  
"Oh, hey little girl!!" Chirped a man who was spinning 2 balls on top of each other in his right hand. He used his left hand to pull Quatre up.  
  
"You wanna be part of my next trick, you pretty thing?" He smiled, crushing Quatre into him. Awes came from his audience. Quatre could only give muffled cries as the man balanced basket balls on Quatre's head and picked him up. Wufei and Heero walked by, ignoring the clapping for Quatre beside them. Wufei almost tripped on an orange.  
  
"Heero…I think we're lost." Uttered Wufei in annoyance. "Why did I walk with you anyway? You weakling…You can't even kill yourself right!!"  
  
Heero was to busy trying to find some sign of life to listen to Wufei. He turned and saw a blonde pansy strumming a guitar, singing about peace and love. D*mn hippies.  
  
"Hey!" Called out Heero, strutting over. The pansy looked up, giving Heero a giant smile.  
  
"I'll sing anything for you, yes I will." He said, clicking his tongue. Heero shuddered.  
  
"Can you tell me how to get back to the entrance?" Asked Heero as Wufei came up behind him. The pansy nodded at his guitar case. Heero grumbled and threw a five into it.  
  
"No." Smiled the pansy, putting away his guitar and skipping off. Wufei snickered at Heero's failure.  
  
"Mission failed…" He uttered, his eyes suddenly turning dark.  
  
"Oh no." Said Wufei unenthusiastically "Stop. You're turning suicidal…WEAK." He began walking down the way they came as Heero looked at a restaurant. He rushed inside and began trying to kill himself with spoons. Ouch.  
  
Wufei sighed and looked around once again. He saw Duo spinning in circles and covering himself with cotton candy as a Puerto Rican man screamed at him, throwing a fit. Duo giggled as the machine ran out of sugar. He rushed off towards Wufei.  
  
"I'm a FLUFFY BUNNY!!!! FLUFFY BUNNY FLUFFLY BUNNAAAY!!" He laughed, being chased by at least 10 people. Wufei chuckled as an old woman walked up to him.  
  
"Oh, Billy-Bob…I've been looking for you everywhere! Where did you run off to?" She smiled, grabbing his arm and squinting from behind her dark glasses.  
  
"Lady? I'm not your son, or whatever…" He said in the shock of being touched. Wufei pulled way his arm. "And nooo touchie…"  
  
The woman looked up and smiled.  
  
"Oh my dear, dear…Billy-Bob? Do you need some discipline? You can't talk to your Granny that way!!!" She yelled, ripping Wufei over to a bench with her as crowds of people gathered by. She pulled him over her knee with more strength than Wufei would have ever guessed.  
  
"OH NO!! LADY!! I don't know you!!! I swear!!" Squirmed Wufei. People were laughing at him and pointing. But the worst came when he felt the pain of the old lady's 50-man strength.  
  
"So…That's why I attacked you." Finished Trowa quietly, sitting beside the mime on the edge of a fountain. They were both bruised, beaten, and Trowa had smudges of mime make-up on him.  
  
The mime sniffled.  
  
"Okay…Man, that's a sad story. You think my ankle is going to heal up any time soon? You did some bad-a** flips out there." Said the mime, chuckling and looking at his bleeding and twisted ankle like it were a stuffed animal.  
  
"Yeah, sure." Uttered Trowa, looking into the fountain behind him. He searched for a penny, and suddenly saw the mime holding out $7.00.  
  
"Here." He smiled, standing on one foot. Trowa slowly and carefully took it. "I'm not sure if it makes it up the same, but…" He began limping away.  
  
"Hey, Mime-Man?" Called out Trowa, finding a penny and flipping it into the fountain. "Bad things happen to mimes who talk." Trowa began laughing insanely as he heard the nun bus in the distance.  
  
Quatre was panting and sitting on a bench beside a homeless man, in fear of the basketball man who didn't realize Quatre was a guy until he felt-up on him. There were screams.  
  
A small boy waddled his way to Quatre, his eyes brightening.  
  
"I FOUND MOMMY!!" He yelled, grabbing Quatre's leg. He was followed by 9 other children, clinging to his arms and legs.  
  
"Noooo…" Moaned Quatre, "I'm not Mommy…" But they all started chanting together.  
  
"Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy…"  
  
  
  
"Get out of my restaurant, crazy CRAZY man!!" Snapped a large man in a chef's hat, nudging Heero out the door as he clung to spoons, thrusting them into his chest over and over. He was knocked over by Duo, and they both went tumbling. The people chasing Duo caught up with him and began beating them both.  
  
"EEP!!" Yelled Duo, suddenly seeing Wufei on a bench. He was laughing and crying at the same time.  
  
"Mommy, tie my shoes." Said a small blond girl as Quatre made his way over to Trowa. The nun bus had a new addition of a mime on the front of their vehicle.  
  
Quatre smiled and began tying the girl's shoes as Trowa leaned over.  
  
"Are you having fun?" Asked Quatre giving Trowa a quick look. "I'm not…"  
  
"Well I am. I got over my fear of mimes, Quatre!!" Smiled Trowa, rocking back and forth.  
  
"Good, Trowa!!" Laughed Quatre, hugging Stuart, the first kid to find Quatre. "Mommy loves you."  
  
Trowa looked scared as Duo and Heero were guided by police men, handcuffed to each other.  
  
"Wee! Handcuffs! Handcuffs! Handcuffs! Handcuffs!" Laughed Duo, hopping up and down as Heero cringed.  
  
"Duo, shut-UP!" He snapped, kicking Duo's leg.  
  
This sent Duo and Heero scrambling away from the police men and tumbling into the fountain.  
  
"I'm drowning!! I'M DROWNING!!! RACIST COPS!!!" Yelled Duo, squirming as Heero lay face down in the water and Duo on top of him.  
  
"Mrrffff nreeegghh…" Was all that came from Heero as the cops got into the fountain and started to read them their rights.  
  
Wufei walked by them, rubbing his behind as 60 people followed him, pointing and laughing. The women with purses finally caught up to him and began beating him over the head as he attempted to shield himself.  
  
Quatre was watching the whole ordeal of the cops getting Heero, panting, out of the fountain and giving them different handcuffs. He then turned, and saw that his "kids" weren't there.  
  
"Oh my GOD!! My babies!!" He called, without really thinking that hard about it. He scrambled into the middle of the crowd. "My babies!! HELP ME!!" He cried.  
  
Then he saw the children, holding the hands and legs of a heavy woman.  
  
"We found Mommy!!" Giggled the blonde little girl he had helped with her shoelaces.  
  
Quatre's lip trembled. "It's hard to see them go…" He whispered as a tear streaked his cheek. Wufei, beaten and bruised, was staring at Quatre like he was a complete moron. Which will go unsaid.  
  
"OhhhOHHH!! Quuuuatre!!! We are going "downtown." You know that old Nike and Nite song…? 'Things are always better…DOWNTOWN!!!!!'?" Duo squealed in delight, bouncing around, making the cop wince and stumble. Heero caught on.  
  
"Duo….Sing No Doubt!!" Shouted Heero, who had been attempting to free himself from the cop who only budged when Duo sang.  
  
"Oh!!! So NOW you want me to sing?!? What was hitting me for then and- "  
  
"Just sing you FREAK!!!!" Snapped an old woman who was watching. Duo's eyes widened. Heero gave him a look.  
  
  
  
Trowa was conversing with a man in a penguin suit, who had claimed earlier that the world was nothing but a giant piece of Chex-Mix, literally.  
  
"No, the world isn't. It is a giant ball of CHEESE." Protested Trowa.  
  
"Chex-Mix, you hoodlum!!" Snapped the penguin, glaring it's beady eyes.  
  
"Bad things happen to people in penguin suits who talk." He growled, hearing the nun bus in the distance.  
  
Duo flipped his braid and started singing VERY loud, "it's gonna kill me to see you with the next girl. Because I'm the most ridiculously jealous kind of ex-girl…I KINDA ALWAYS KNEW I'D END UP YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND!! I HOPE I HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE WITH THE REST OF THEM!!!"  
  
Duo's cop was flailing his arms and choking because Duo's braid had become loosened and Heero's cop had fallen down. He broke off into a run, but Duo continued singing.  
  
The woman who had asked Quatre for change appeared and began throwing oranges at Duo, knocking him out as Wufei turned, realizing what was happening.  
  
"RUUUNNN!!!" Yelled Heero, way ahead of them now. Wufei snatched up Duo and Quatre and chased Heero. Trowa, the penguin head under his arm, ran as well.  
  
  
  
Once all in the van Heero sped off, Duo hanging out the door.  
  
"You WEAKLING!! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!!" Yelled Wufei, struggling to keep Duo's head from hitting the flashing asphalt. "You got us kicked out!! And now Quatre is crying, Trowa is…well…-"  
  
"Don't blame it on me!" Yelled Heero, making a sharp turn past a bike store. Spandex shorts hanging in the window made him slam his brake.  
  
Duo fell out, Quatre hit the windshield, Trowa rolled to the floor and on top of Duo and Wufei fell onto Heero. His head hit the seat though when Heero rushed out and into the bike store.  
  
Five minutes later, when Wufei had gotten Quatre to stay in the car with Duo and Trowa to come with him, they went inside.  
  
Heero was examining a pair of spandex beside a cart full, poking at the crotch.  
  
"What is this for?" He asked the clerk who was frantically dancing at the thought of that big of a sale.  
  
"Ummm….Don't you ride?" He said, suddenly stopping.  
  
"Uh, no." Replied Heero, looking deeper inside the shorts. Wufei sighed from the other side of the store..  
  
"They are…padded." He said, feeling depressed. Heero looked from side to side and then put it into the cart, continuing.  
  
"HEERO!!" Yelled Wufei, rushing up to him. "What are you doing? This isn't time for SPANDEX SHOPPING!!" He yelled. Then he realized Trowa was playing with the light weight bikes, eyes widening.  
  
"But they're "padded"…"Whispered Heero, poking the crotch and then stretching them out and letting them go, sending them in a snap across the store.  
  
"Padded…? Really?" Said Wufei. He then quickly shot his head at Heero. "If you need those you are not a MAN!!" He yelled, grabbing Trowa who was juggling the 5 pound bikes and ran out of the store.  
  
Heero pouted and then followed, hearing nothing but the store clerk's crying in the distance.  
  
  
  
  
  
"This was your dumb idea." Grumbled Wufei, leaning over the table of the restaurant, which looked like a surf-board. Duo came-to as Quatre poked at Trowa's French fries as the people across from them tried to look like they weren't staring.  
  
"Hey, I'm paying for lunch…Eat your sushi!!" Snapped Heero, digging into his steak again. Wufei looked at his own plate.  
  
"This is ground beef wrapped in cottage cheese and kelp." He said, smelling it.  
  
"Yeah, sushi." Uttered Trowa, widening his eyes.  
  
"LOOK!! I'm BARBEQUEEEYY!!" Screamed Duo, who was covering himself in barbecue sauce and doing a little dance. Quatre screamed as he was elbowed.  
  
"I'm going to ask you guys to leave!!" Snapped a young woman waiter. Duo threw BBQ sauce at her and jumped onto the table, his hair red and stained.  
  
"COWABUNGA!!!!!" He yelled in delight, kicking everyone's food at the people across from them. He balanced like the wave was falling out and jumped off of the table. Duo scrambled up and ran, slipping on BBQ sauce. He got up and ran out the door.  
  
The other's slowly followed, but Heero was stopped as the woman handed him the bill.  
  
"Duo…Don't touch me….don't touch me…don't touch me." Repeated Wufei as Duo danced around in the back seat, nearly getting BBQ on everyone. He had succeeded with Quatre.  
  
"Take this pink ribbon off my eyes. I'm exposed and it's no big surprise. I can't the do the little things, I hold so dear. Yeah, cause it's all those little things that I FEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!! CAUSE I'M JUST A GIRL!!!!" Duo began singing, forcing Heero to take sharper turns.  
  
"HEERO!! You can't drive!!" Snapped Wufei, being occupied and allowing Duo to touch him. He squeaked as his white clothes were stained with BBQ sauce. "DUO!!"  
  
"I'D RATHER NOT BE!! BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME OUT OF THEIR SIGHT. OH, I'M JUST A GIRL, POOR LIL' OLD ME, CAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME DRIVE LATE AT NIGHT!!" Said Duo, obviously not sure how the song goes.  
  
"Duo!! HUSH!!" Yelled Heero, looking behind. And in the yelling and distractions, Trowa was the only one who saw the nun bus coming. A smile came across his face.  
  
  
  
*A man with a booklet steps onto a white screen.* "Hi, I'm the representative here at Al's Meat Market, and we are giving out this free packet on car-driving's most dangerous distractions. Such as follows,  
  
Mimes  
  
Bikes  
  
Cats  
  
Spandex  
  
Singing Barbecue Saucy People  
  
Nun buses  
  
And those pink lilies on the side of the highway that you wish SO bad you could stop and pick…but you CAN'T!!! SO BACK OFF!!!"  
  
He looked down, a tear streaking his face.  
  
"Ten billion Americans die a day from the previously listed distractions. And here at Al's…we need-want you to be safe. So please, drive carefully. And if you see a mime, a Duo, or a cat…Run them over. And then back up and do it again, and then run them over one more time for measure. Because no one should have to die." 


End file.
